I've been very nearly arrested three times in my life.  Once when I was 12, again at 17, and then again at an age I'd rather not admit to.  (Let's just say it was my early 20's.)  This is the story of my little twelve year old self's run-in with the law, and if you're good, I'll tell you the other two stories.

    I moved to Oregon from Florida in the summer before the 5th grade.  I had to make new friends at a new school, figure out what Birkenstock's were, and learn how to pair them appropriately with socks in order to fit in.  My parents were divorced already, but since they had shared custody of me, we all lived very close to each other.  In fact, we lived in the same apartment complex for the first year that we lived in Oregon.  This complex was great because it was right next door to my elementary school, and it came equipped with a playground and a pool.  It was at this very pool that I met my mischievous new best friend, Lulu*...  


*Names have been changed to protect the reputations of those involved

Ok.

Friends and Family,

    I'm sitting here in the deepest darkest (most exaggerated) depression of my life after having gotten slammed back into reality by the landing of my plane at LAX. Dan, my darling husband and I just returned from a MAGICAL 2 week long honeymoon which was almost 2 years overdue. Dan and I tied the knot August 23rd, 2014, and at the time, we decided we already had everything we could have possibly needed so instead of registering for a butter dish (which I coincidentally DO need and should have purchased while in Mexico but I digress) we registered for this awesome thing called a Honeyfund.  We made an online registry for our dream honeymoon trip to Tulum, Mexico and then our loved ones were able to contribute to that if they wanted.   I want to start this post by re-thanking every single person who contributed to our wedding and honeymoon.  It was everything we could have possibly dreamed and so much more. So many people besides those mentioned below contributed so much to our wedding and we are forever grateful.  I just wanted to thank those that contributed to specific gifts on the Honeyfund site as we did actually use those funds as they were intended!   

To Auntie Sue and Uncle John, Matt & Kelsey, Alyson & Eric, Alex & Hart, Kevin, and Eve, Dave & Arlo...thank you for helping us fly there!  We actually got upgraded on our return flight from a 1 stop to a non-stop and arrived home 5 hours earlier than expected.  It was awesome because we were seriously dreading leaving paradise, and the fact that we didn't have to travel for 9 hours made it so much more bearable.  Thank you for the airfare.  We are so grateful.

To Suzie...thank you for helping us with our accommodations!  The first 5 nights we stayed in a Bali-style hut right on the ocean at Ahau Tulum. Every single morning we awoke to the glorious sounds of the waves crashing just feet from our front door and every night we slept so peacefully in our little mosquito net in the tops of the trees.  The next 3 nights we had the Honeymoon suite "Sisal" at an adorable bed and breakfast called Casa Tia Micha in Valladolid.  The owner made us an incredible breakfast every morning, the service was impeccable and the air conditioning was on point. We then headed to an Air B&B in Playa Del Carmen (thanks for the rec Matt and Kels!) and were just a few blocks from the beaches, clubs and all the shopping!  The last 2 nights were spent in Puerto Morales near Cancun at the El Cid all inclusive resort.  Ocean view, 4 restaurants to choose from and all the drinks you could ever possibly want.  Thank you..we loved every single second of this trip.

To Mom and Dad and Sandra...thank you for the generous contributions to our wedding and honeymoon.  We had the MOST incredible massages ON THE BEACH right on the edge of the ocean and it was divine.  At one point, the man massaging Dan leaned down and whispered into Dan's ear "You need deep tissue" and this became one of the private jokes we laughed over repeatedly throughout the rest of the trip. Anytime something got weird, we'd lean in and whisper that to each other and just crack up.  Thank you for the spa treatments.  They were much needed and much appreciated. We wouldn't have done them without your help.

To Meghan & Daniel, Ryan, Amy & the Little Honeys, Andres & Sunha, and Chrissy...thank you for SO MANY snorkeling days!  While we didn't actually snorkle with dolphins, we DID take a special day trip to the island of Cozumel to snorkle with the sea turtles!  They are so majestic and fascinating and I can watch them for hours. We actually went to a dolphin discovery place, so we saw tons of dolphins there, but we decided not to get into the water with them because it made us sort of sad.  It was more like a Sea World kinda deal and it just didn't feel right. I LOVE to snorkle though and we did it a ton. We ended up buying our own gear so we could snorkle every where we went.  If it were up to me, I would spend my entire life with a mask on in the water just taking it all in.  Thank you for making that happen.

To Tashy and Erik,...thank you for taking us shopping!  What did we buy?  Let's see...I had to buy a hat to replace the one you bought me in Miami (it flew off Dan's backpack when we were riding bikes on the first day and blew away) and even though I was so sad to lose my Miami hat, I love my new hat and it still makes me think of you because technically you bought it for me.  It's super cute...and it basically matched my bathing suit and sunglasses perfectly.  We also bought Mexican Latisse at the farmacía, some tequila, some mezcal, a sarong and some little artsy stuff.  Thank you.  We love all of it.
To Hanie & Peter, my cousin Meghan, DeDe and Kasey...thank you for all the Touristy Stuff!  Boy did we cram a lot of it in.  We went to 5 cities, 4 cenotes, 2 ruins, rode mopeds around an entire island, took busses everywhere, went for 2 boat rides, ate all of the food, drank all of the booze, went clubbing, rode bikes all over, and snorkled with sea turtles, and countless sting-rays, amongst some of the most beautiful reefs and fish I've ever seen. We did it all, and it was all because of you.  Thank you.

To Meeshie and Alyson...thank you for the drinks with the umbrellas in them! Thank you for the drinks without umbrellas in them.  Thank you for the drinks by the ocean, in the hammocks, in the shower (yes I had "Shower Champers" on the reg) in the hot tubs, on the catamaran, on the rooftop, in the pizza joint, in the jungle, in the cabs, at the clubs, and on the airplane. We had margs, mojitos, champagne, wine, straight tequila and two piña coladas.  They were all perfection.

And to Brenna, John and Lyla...thank you for the sailing and scuba day.  Turns out you actually have to be certified in scuba before you just decide to do it so we weren't able to go diving, BUT we DID go on a 5 hour catamaran trip and we got to snorkle in one of the most beautiful coral reefs I've ever seen.  There were huge sting-rays everywhere and I've never seen so many beautiful fish in my life.  I've never swam with sting-rays before and I love them so much.  It was pretty incredible.  The guide found a spiny sea-star and handed it to me...it was so cool.  It crawled all over my arm.  The boat was SO much fun and we spent the whole day eating freshly prepared guacamole and fruit and drinking bottomless boozy punch and beer.  At one point the driver of the boat let us off to swim again and just started tossing beers over the side like footballs to all the swimmers.  It was a BLAST. Thank you. 

To everyone else...if I didn't mention you by name...please don't be offended.  My memory is terrible and you gave me those gifts almost 2 years ago.  But thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  Now...on to the trip!

​

Back in November, I had the awesome experience of getting to work on Joe Dirt 2!  I seriously had the most amazing time, and I feel pretty special because I was the only female in the entire movie that wasn't drop-dead gorgeous with a gigantic rack and blonde hair. I am forever indebted to the director Fred Wolf who graciously cast me, allowed me to improv, and was a true actor's director.  Love him :) Here's the scene from the movie!

I've been very very nearly arrested three times in my life.  Once when I was 12, again at 17, and then again at an age I'd rather not admit to.  (Let's just say it was my early 20's.)  This is the story of my little twelve year old self's run-in with the law, and if you're good, I'll tell you the other two stories.

    I moved to Oregon from Florida in the summer before the 5th grade.  I had to make new friends at a new school, figure out what Birkenstock's were, and learn how to pair them appropriately with socks in order to fit in.  My parents were divorced already, but since they had shared custody of me, we all lived very close to each other.  In fact, we lived in the same apartment complex for the first year that we lived in Oregon.  This complex was great because it was right next door to my elementary school, and it came equipped with a playground and a pool.  It was at this very pool that I met my mischievous new best friend, Lulu*...  


*Names have been changed to protect the reputations of those involved

Dan and I were hungry.  We stumbled upon Burger Central in Glendale.  We love Daym Drops' review of 5 Guys Burgers, and the song that Shmoyoho songified about it, so here's our response video.  Click the pic to watch the review

There are moments in my life when I become incredibly and terribly aware of the fact that we are all just crabs.  We're animals.  When I sweep the smoggy black soot that seems to coat Los Angeles off of my deck, I am no different than the tiny hermit crab under the sea sweeping the sand out of his shell-house.   We're biologically driven creatures programmed by instinctual impulses that run so deep you can't escape them if you tried.  Even if you lived completely off the grid all alone under a rock in the woods somewhere.  You could leave everything behind; all the people you ever knew, the houses and the cars and the fax machines (if you still lived in the 90's) and you could hide out from humanity.  But eventually, the cells in your stomach would communicate to your mind that you needed food, and you would forage or hunt for some.  Little transmitters in your mouth would feel parched and you would be compelled to find and drink water.  And at some point, the cells in your reproductive organs would tell your brain that you should make an offspring so that when you die all alone in those woods, you will leave a part of yourself behind.

Well folks, this conversation between my reproductive organs and my brain has officially taken place against my will...

Why are people so high strung?  And is it just me, or are all these high strung people getting themselves extremely and unnecessarily worked up over the most pointless things?  This morning for example, Dan and I were walking our dog Bella to 7-11 as we do every morning to get coffee.  Our adorable dog took a dainty little pooh in the grass next to the street and as soon as she was done, we immediately picked it up using one of the convenient doggy pooh bags that we purchase and carry with us at all times....   We have a strict "Never Leave It" policy when it comes to our dog's poop, and in the few times we've reached the end of the roll and been caught without a bag, we always announce loudly into the air to whomever might be watching that we'll return soon to pick up the poop.  AND THEN WE ALWAYS DO.  Because there is nothing worse then stepping in dog pooh, except maybe stepping in human barf, and because we are responsible and caring dog owners who find it incredibly rude and disgusting when others do not clean up after their dogs. 

Back to this morning...

Well, my friend Patrick died today.  He was riding his motorcycle and he slammed into a bus and he died.  I think I'm in a bit of shock and denial, because it's definitely too soon to be writing about it, and honestly all I can think is "Great, another ghost is gonna ruin my sex life." 

Perhaps I should explain....